It's 1:27 am and I can't sleep...
So much has happened since my last post...I don't even know where to begin...or if I even want to blog about it all right now...
I listen to the Way every morning on my way to school and every evening on my way back home. One morning this week, the band Jars of Clay was on promoting their new album: The Long Fall Back to Earth. They performed live their song "Boys." HOLY COW...I almost starting crying when I heard it...
Lesson one do not hide
Lesson two there are right ways to fight
and if you have questions we can talk through the night
so you know who you are
you know what you want
i've been where you're going and it's not that far
it's too far to walk but you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
Lesson three you're not alone
and since i saw you start breathing on your own
you can leave you can run
this will still be your home
so know who you are
know what you want
i've been where you're going
and it's not that far
it's too far to walk
but you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
you'll get there in time
in time, to wonder where the days have gone
in time, to be old enough to wish enough that you were young
when good things are unraveling
bad things come undone
you weather love
and lose your innocence
there will be liars and thieves that take from you
and not to undermine the consequence but you are not what you do
and when you need it most
i've got a hundred reasons why i love you
so you know who you are you know what you want
i've been where you're going and it's not that far
it's too far to walk you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
so you know who you are you know what you want
i've been where you're going and it's not that far
it's too far to walk but you don't have to run
you'll get there in time
you'll get there in time
if you weather love and lose your innocence
just remember...lesson one
It's a pretty simple song but the lyrics struck a chord in me. The song is about a father giving advice to his child. When I listen to the song and/or read the lyrics I think about Dad. In his later years, before his passing, he became a different person...completely different than the man that raised me. Listening to this song just reminded me of conversations we used to have when I was a little kid...so open, so loving. As he got older, and as his life unfolded, he became sick...paranoid, obsessive, compulsive, depressed...everything was a disappointment...nothing was a blessing, nothing was fun, nothing was acceptable. We tried to get help for him, but he didn't want it...he lost hope...
I still can't believe he's gone...in a way it feels like he's not speaking to me. And a song like this will come on the radio and I'm reminded that he's not here anymore...I can't call him up...he can't give me any more advice. And the reality is I miss him everyday. Everyday I look in the mirror and I see his eyes staring back at me, his brown eyes, his face...and I am both happy to be living the life God has given me...and sad that Dad decided to end his early...
...and full of tears...
...i'll end this post here...Kambiz Ghaffar-Jabbari...died Feb 17,2009...
love you Dad...دوستت دارم...laila.
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kristina had told me about how he died when you called her that day, not sure how many people knew about that part, but I hope you're not mad at her for telling me that. I do have experience in this general arena,unfortunately. a friend and a brilliant artist in oregon killed himself while his girlfriend was sleeping in the next room, I am pretty sure I was the last one to talk to him online. I felt terrible and wonder from time to time if I could have said anything different in that conversation to keep him from doing it. Logically, probably not, but still.... my godfather has also been a little sick in the head too. when I was in high school and my dad and I were over at his house, he was erratic and had a loaded gun which he was pointing at his head. I felt so bad for my godmother.... I can still remember my dad telling him "Yeah, John, real men commit suicide". I'm sure he thought it was a weakness. They were best friends for a big part of their lives but not anymore..
life is hard. don't let anyone take your faith and hope away, not even me.
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